A Serious Headache ... Toxic Visitor

in Ladies of Hive28 days ago (edited)


Someone from the past

Today I received an unexpected visitor. A 'friend' of mine from a few years ago had found out my address. Spontaneously she got up in my driveway and what do you do? I am not one to say "Leave again", so I invited her to have coffee / tea. And after talking with her for an hour I knew very clearly why I had said goodbye to her at the time. She is able to completely drain my energy in just an hour. Unfortunately, that had never changed after a number of years. That got me thinking.

As @battleaxe wrote in a post on hers earlier this week, the dark side of men is often described. But there aren't that many examples of women you should stay away from.

My real life experiences

I am going to describe some women that I have experienced in my life, feel free to add a comment to your own examples below my blog.

There are really countless examples of 'toxic women'. Often you don't have to look further than in your own 'circle of friends' where there is usually one or if you are unlucky several very jealous friends. They are never satisfied, even when something great happens to them, they are not satisfied. Simply because they compare their own happiness with that of others. And if you search long enough, there are always people who are better off. At least in their eyes. They have more money, they have a nicer house or can go on holiday 4 times a year ... you name it. The greatest thing that happens to them is never enough and you will always hear them talk about “Yeah but so and so can and has that, I haven't…” Very tiring to deal with!

Explosion Danger

Then you have the women with TOO much temperament. They're also not what you're looking for, those unguided missiles that explode at the slightest blow and fire their anger at you like an idiot. If you stay with such woman after several volcanic eruptions, I think it's safe to say; "He who burns his buttocks must be on the blisters". Because let's face it, you will most likely keep getting burned repeatedly in a not so pleasant way to such a woman.

Energy down the drain

Then you have another type, someone who is always 'victim', and who takes no responsibility or action at all to change this. This literally drains all your energy. Initially, we are all inclined to show empathy and offer our help. But whatever we do, it will never be enough. And this woman remains in a victim role, which ultimately makes the friendship very one-sided and negative. Because all your positive thinking is converted into negativity by her lame attitude. If you are an empathic person yourself, you have to pay extra attention to this because this gets under your skin and ultimately makes you just as negative. Often such a woman in a passive aggressive way draws all the attention to her. And if you cannot cut this off in time, you will ultimately be the one who will be destroyed. So you can say that this can be called very 'toxic'.

Impressive

Then we have another type of woman who always wants to make sure that she will always make a better impression. Unfortunately she does it by dragging another woman down. You can imagine that this type of woman is also not nice to be around you often. Such a woman must learn to literally stand IN her OWN strength. And don't use the negative points she sees in other women to make herself feel better.

MEN aren't that bad

After thinking all this about what kind of women I've been dealing with, I came to the conclusion that MEN aren't that bad. The types of women I describe above are just a few real-life experiences. Not to mention a woman who always just wants to gossip. I mean… we almost all gossip once, but the type of woman who cannot have a conversation without it turning into a mean gossip party is not the type of woman I like to invite as a friend for a nice afternoon.

I'm maybe strange

And as strange as it may seem, I've had bad experiences with men in my life. Very bad, in fact. But that was a single exception. In general, I would rather walk into a room full of men than walk into a room full of women.

Never had this experiences with men

What I have described above, what I have experienced myself with women I have known, I have never experienced with men. On the contrary. I've often had men as my best friends, and I've always been fine with the way they interacted with me and each other. It is often much fairer than when women are among themselves.

We are all different

Opinions can differ, that's allowed. After all, we are all different personalities. Personalities are less likely to be each other. That's ok too, not everyone has to love each other. But also respect each other and each other's opinion in this. "Do not another to what you do not want to be done to you" ...

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

That's okay. That's what makes us HUMAN. But as long as we are willing to learn from each other and are all open to each other, we should be able to come a long way, I think. Treat someone else as you would like to be treated yourself.

Different kind of blog

Hmmm this has become a completely different kind of blog than what I had thought. And that only after a visit that literally sucked my energy out of me in just an hour. And let me just be a woman who has trouble saying NO. And that is not useful in those situations. But I did. I made it clear in a very neat way, with all due respect to her, that my life has taken a different turn. I said I appreciated the effort she made to visit me, and I really do! But also that I have closed the past and do not feel the need to pick it up again. Of course I also said that I wish her all the best, and I meant all those words. They really came from my heart.

Guarded my boundaries

But anyway… I can be proud of myself despite the headache I had after the visit. No matter how hard I find it to do this, I had guarded my boundaries, I cut off contact again, but everything in a neat way with honesty and respect.


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"He who burns his buttocks must be on the blisters".
What a great idiom.

lol, booty bothered

Yah I thought you would love this one. It's very well known in Dutch. I have to admit I love the English sound better tho ... it seems more fluent in a way.

Thanks for visiting and your reply.

Wow, yes it shows great maturity and restraint to actually tell this lady what you know to be true. PERHAPS it will help her to come to grips with her own problems, and help her get past the hangups that are holding her back so badly. If that is the message she took from you, maybe it will help.

🤗🤗🤗

She probably won't, but that's her problem and not mine. I also just refuse to let that become my problem. Made wise through harm and shame, learned the hard way. I fought hard enough to get to where I am today. And I had to do that fight alone, and never expected anyone else to do it for me. I'm not there yet ... still enough things that I have to improve myself for which I need my energy badly enough. So the last thing I need is an energy-draining person in my life, no matter what. Of course I listen when someone needs it, I want to give advice ... but if I can estimate in advance that nothing will be done with it, it is a waste of my time and energy. And listen once and give advice ... fine. But make it a habit without taking action yourself or giving back ... No way. Not anymore. I've accepted it at my expense for TOO long. And I will not let that happen again after I myself have been seriously destroyed. The disadvantage of being highly sensitive is that they know where to find you.

Anyway ... thank you for visiting my post and your thoughtful comment. Very much appreciated!!!

🤗🤗🤗

Men have toxic behaviors, too, but they seem to manifest in different ways. I can't recall hearing a man "play the victim" and only a few of them will act in a passive-aggressive manner. Very true.

There are plenty, however, that come across as "know-it-alls" who always claim to know a better version of the truth (or even a different truth) more clearly than anyone in the room. I have known many more men with explosive tempers than women, and their resulting tirades make everyone uncomfortable and even afraid at times. Plenty of them talk-down to women in condescending ways, and "mansplain" things because they think women are stupid. Plenty of them talk non-stop and don't let anyone else have a say in conversation — I remember someone on the blockchain came into a [supposedly] "group chat" on Discord one night and spoke in one of the voice-channels for two solid hours and the other dozen of us could hardly get a word in, edgewise, with all his talking. (This is a very recurring theme among men I have known.) Then there's the opposite side of the coin, the man who never communicates, who catches you (unpleasantly) by surprise with something he's been planning for days or weeks, yet never mentioned. There are plenty of men on the blockchain that don't believe women should be here simply because we're women and crypto should be a "man's world." I have heard women bashed many times because of this.

So, yes, I think men can be toxic, too, but in different ways than women.

yeh, some men certainly do not like women in crypto unless it's in a sexual manner but there are enough women with biz minds that don't have to deal with the monologues ( i get it). Like the proverbial duck , have learned over time to let most things roll off my back like water, then I listen to this song

Good song, and I had forgotten how entertaining the video is! Thanks for the reminder! 😁

Oh sure men can be toxic too. It's just that, with a few exceptions, I've never had that much to do with that in my life. The exceptions I met were also very bad, I will not say anything about that. But overall, I've had more bad experiences with toxic women than men.

It is just that often men are already supposed to exhibit such behavior, where women are always supposed to be sweet and soft, and toxic behavior often is covered with the mantle of love from the age-old role pattern that the man must protect the woman. Where, however, that is not always justified ...

Thank you for your visit and reply

When women (or men) I know to drain me of energy, I let them... for a while... and then I just move on.
It appears that you did just that.'
You are of good heart.

I do my best to be good of heart. Most of the times I'm too good and get hurt mesyelf in the end, even to the point of being burned out. This time I tried my best to protect myself from being drained over and over again without hurting her.

Thank you for visiting and your compliment. Much appreciated.

Sometimes when we are young we let these relationships go on a little too long, not wanting to hurt someone else's feelings, before we learn to recognize the types and know that self preservation requires us to learn to handle it better and nip it in the bud faster. It is always right to be kind if the situation allows it, kind and firm. It sounds like you did just that.

I did my best yes ... but don't think she feels it that way. I know she's probably feeling that I treated her very unfair and that she feels rejected. I can't help it. For my own sake I had to do what I did.

Thank you for your visit and kind words.

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Bang, I did it again... I just rehived your post!
Week 24 of my contest just started...you can now check the winners of the previous week!
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I have met more than one person that played 'always the Victim' in my Nursing career and as a volunteer.
And you hit it right on describing the Toxic person, even more powerful is if that person is on a wheelchair. Boundaries are necessary that even professionals have as a tactic or two to clearly disengage with personas with deep seated negativity and to avoid getting caught up in it. Such problems are not solvable in one sitting. I can only empathize with such people, assist were I could be of practical use but avoid getting in that sympathetic trap.

Oh yes as a nurse I believe you will meet many people with toxic behavior in a way. And for sure that you need to learn to protect yourself from that. I always have respect for people like you ... I know from myself that I would not be the best to handle that and probably would get a burnout very fast.

Thank you for visiting this blog and for your comment.

I have found some interesting women in the workplace as well. There are those that no matter what day it is, month, or even year, they are seemingly so foul mood-ed (is that a word, lol?) that you want to stay far, far away from them.

I totally get what you said, and you handled it very well. Take care!💜

Yep, they're everywhere ... with many faces and different behaviors but with one thing in common, toxicity. Unfortunately ...

Thank you for your visit and comment. Appreciated!

sorry to read that you had a visitor draining your energy. I know exactly what you mean, these people suck the life out of you when they're around and it's exactly that what I try to guard myself as well. My boyfriend had a few of these "friends" my gutfeeling was off from the get go but he didn't find out until much later that these were toxic people. Thankfully, I don't have to deal with them anymore :) not women btw, but men. I do agree with you though, that toxic women are often worse as they tend to play everyone and nobody seems to notice, which makes it even more frustrating :)

Yes it's sometimes hard to protect yourself from that, but so necessary for your own well-being. And yes men can be toxic too but often enough women just seem to know much better how to play this game unnoticed and when you notice you're almost too late and it has gone way too far already.

And with all the men that I have met in my life, I never noticed so much energy sucking as I did with women.

Thanks for your visit and comment. Take care you too!

Yeah I think you must be right that toxic women are much more draining the energy and especially because they don't target the partners (like often toxic mean target their partner) and doesn't happen behind closed doors, with women it happens out in the open, and these women often seem to have made it their way of life rather than being toxic to just a few people. It's like it runs through their blood and they can't be anything other than that. I also think that men often have a blind spot for them, just like women have them for those men.. Which sucks, because when trying to help a friend and venting your opinion (as an outsider seeing things clearly) will often not be heard. Speaking from experience ;) lol

I thought something like that... But yes agreed with you. And speaking from experience too. Lol

I am 1% off all the above and i like it that way, love that you are explaining because we all knew that draining this week, didnt we, glad we we duidelijk.
Have a great wekend

I am so glad that you did invite her in cause you never know, she may have changed for the better and if you hadn't of let her in, then you would never have known and possibly regretted it afterwards.

And even though she is still that same woman she was before, atleast you know, so there's no real suprise or disappointment.

That's why I always re-try foods that I don't like, cause maybe the next time I do, I will like them (except Coriander. Not and NEVER Coriander..🤢..)

And I'm sure that even though she sucked away one of your most valuable resources, your energy, atleast she will only do it once and never again.

And you must feel Proud of yourself too. I know I do when I all of my friends call me up, do nothing but talk over the top of me, ask me how I am, then say 2 seconds later, Oh sorry, I've got to go now....after they sucked all of my energy.

BUT, I know that they're not nasty people, they're not doing anything intentionally malicious to me, and I love them cause they are my friends and I accept them for who they are- even if they can talk underwater for an entire hour without taking a breath.

SO I just ignore their phone calls and call them back when I feel like being talked at.

And that's guys too. Just as bad, not any worse though.

I share with a woman now is is the epitome of the 'explosion danger' and 'energy drown the drain'- and who, is exactly like my oldest brother the drama queen I call him and they are both born in 65. Same age...Now you all know why I spend 12+ hours a day on my computer....and still in lockdown for another 3 weeks or so....(7 months now...)

At the core, we are all human beings with the same traits- each person's traits are more or less advanced that the other traits in us...I think that it's just a matter of whether you can compromise with them and yourself or not....

Anyway, that is a brilliant and very though provoking post.